Its been hard

Talked to my mom today about how I want to come home. She didn't like that very much. She wants me to stick it out, and of course I will. I mean I feel like I have no choice really. Her dying wish was for me to attend college and graduate and thats what I will do. Even if it doesn't make me happy, because well, I'm that kind of person.

Breaks

If everything works out how I want it, without weather getting in the way I will be home:
November 18-27
December 16- January 7

Its so sad that I'm already looking forward to the breaks.

Moved in

I moved into my dorm yesterday afternoon. I am already sitting in my dorm alone, but thats okay. Yesterday, I got in contact with a childhood friend, Sabra, and she introduced me to a whole bunch of people. Later that night we went to the first event on campus "Light up Dance" or something along those lines. It was okay I guess, but I was just really tired. Everything is so different here. Everything closes at 10 and the people are all white. If you aren't white then all of the ethnic people join in each others groups. I feel like one of the only out of state kids and of course every time I tell someone I'm from Las Vegas, they give me the weirdest look. "What are you doing here!?" I ask myself that question everyday.

Saying goodbye to the people you care most about is probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It's times like this where I wish I was going to UNR with everyone. I know I said "I can't wait to get out of vegas" but now that it is actually happening, I'm not sure what to do. All I can really do is sit alone and cry.

Anxiety

I haven't had an anxiety attack like this in years. I am mentally killing myself. I am hurting inside so bad right now. I just wish I could stop thinking so much. I try to sleep and I can't get my mind to calm down enough to just rest. Please, just let me rest. Let this pain in my chest and stomach go away. I don't know who I am trying to talk to right now. Someone who is willing to listen I guess. Maybe tomorrow I will start my day off fresh. Start my day with something good. I don't know. I am not ready for all of this change. I am rambling now. FUCK. I just want to stop hurting... please.

And this is one of the biggest steps I will ever take in my life. I am not going to lie, I am scared to death. My heart races just thinking about leaving. I have dealt with the change before, but its so different this time. I will be alone for once in my life. The choices I make now, will forever be with me.